In Cassidy's Care (20. A Kind of Ending)

He entered the communal doorway and slid his key into the door of his flat. 
Before he had the chance to turn the key the door swung open on fractured hinges.

Turmoil; upended furniture, broken glass, scattered papers, an aroma of stale sweat, the rustle of material, a shadowy movement, a punch to the ribs. He didn’t feel much; a stinging pain as the knife entered his side, then just a dull ache that he knew to be deliverance. He dropped to his knees and gently lowered himself onto the carpet face down. His eyes watered and he blinked away the tears. From his supine position his vision was limited and darkening with every shortening breath. That run had taken it out of him. He needed to breathe deeply to control his gasping. He tried humming, that would calm his ventilation. He blinked again and focused on ‘The Cassidys’, he and his brothers standing with Harry after that final gig. The photograph lay skew on the floor with the glass and frame shattered. Next to the picture were broken pieces of terra cotta pot and damp earth. His cactus lay flaccid, like a fish out of water. Or a limp dick thought Cassidy. Was that irony or symbolism, metaphor or simile? That was one for Archie’s next breakfast question time.

He could hear movement but couldn’t raise his head.

What a weird and wonderful week, he thought.

“Say what? What’s that? Say something?”

Cassidy recognized the lisp.

“Want some more, bitch?”

Claude knelt beside him and rifled his pockets roughly.

Cassidy stared at a Rolex with a crocodile strap; Monty’s watch on Claude’s wrist. He fixed on the frozen second hand as it twitched and pulsed with every second, ineffectively pushing against an unseen resistance, and he found himself breathing in time with that retarded tick. He needed to do something but couldn’t think what that might be. He’d just lie there a little longer until he felt… less tired.

As his breath shortened Cassidy was overwhelmed by a tremendous sense of calm. And he was filled with love; he loved his parents, his brothers, Daniel and Archie, Monty, Christ, he even loved Claude. The whole wide world was in his arms and it was no burden because Cassidy cared. He started humming again, and only then did he recognize the tune.

Joni.

He loved Joni Mitchell.

His fingertips caressed the carpet and he felt himself sink deeper.

“Amelia, it was just a false alarm”

The carpet rose to meet him.

“Amelia, it was just a false alarm”

The carpet absorbed him.

“Amelia, it was just a false alarm”

He stared in wonder as the detailed patterns merged into a glorious golden brown.

“Amelia…”

Cassidy closed his eyes and she turned towards him.

He saw sun splashed pigtails and the grain of her hair, all burnt copper and straw.

She simply said “Hello handsome” and that was that.

***

“What’s that son?”

Harry leant closer this time.

Cassidy could smell Old Spice and modeling glue. 

“Nothing Pops, just… thinking out loud.”

His mother’s voice sang out from within the beach house, “Suppers nearly ready you two. Up to the table in five minutes.”
Cassidy squinted and fixed on his cactus, searching for a word. 

Harry reached down and gently slid the turquoise pot out of their creeping shadow and into the softening light.

“Some things can’t be fixed Pete, some things are beyond repair, but it’s good that you care son; there can be a blessing to burden.” He rubbed his forehead and then rocked back into his chair, crossing his heavy hands against his chest as if nursing an injured bird.

Cassidy did the self same thing.

There was much that he needed to let go of, but not this.

He needed to hold this close, and wondered if he would.

The sun was sinking over the salt marshes and a bourbon sky gently backlit his father, ancient and immortal.

He looked into that steady eye, then down at his own shaking, outsized hands, and Cassidy realized, with some relief, that his fate was sealed.